Why Sometimes You Feel Like A Fatherless Child

What defines a man as a good father? Is it that he makes up the variances in his child's life? Is it because he is a leader of protection, discipline, and a master provider? Father's can often be viewed as the guardians of the perimeter between our safety and danger. A Father's work is endless and often underappreciated until shit hits the fan and we expect him to come to our rescue. Father's are presumed to be a safety net to protect us from falling, but fathers usually prefer to pick you up, dust you off and tell you to go again. On Father's Day, many people will take the time to appreciate the life of the good fathers. While you show your admiration for your dad, this will be “just another Sunday” to conduct business as usual for me, and those who can feel me.

Father's Day is a celebration celebrating fathers, fatherhood, paternal bonds, and honoring the influence fathers have on society. They say a dad is supposed to be his son's first hero. The relationship itself nurtured through a bond that survives any test of time. For some men becoming a father wasn’t the hard part, it was putting in the work to sustain the title that swayed them to resign. But, growing up without a father has a serious effect on boys, and the problems misguide us into manhood. Only from a father and his figure can a boy learn how to be a man. Without his influence, we form into men with scars and open wounds that drive our behavioral setbacks, unstable emotions, and continue the curse on the relationships with our own children.

I never got the approval of my biological father; I was left with this constant need to prove myself to everyone. It's the father who is supposed to pass down his blessing, tell his boy he is good enough to be a man. If not, that void of approval gets filled with anger and pain. That's when you turn up the heat on the competition. You compete with more intensity because you have more to prove. A tough guy emerges as your shield to assert your power and frightens these suckers into believing you're a man, and you don't need that nigga's approval. But the tough guy turns into the troubled man and becomes weak in his mind and haunted by his demons. It was all a dream; an alter ego used to disguise the real fear, resentment and anxiety of the heart. My father didn’t bring me up in an honest world, where you earn your keep, get a job and pay for what you want. So I stole the shit I wanted. I guess boys will be boys until somebody teaches that boy to be something more. Had I gotten the chance to plead my case, I would have argued with the judge that my father should serve equal time for neglecting his son. I should blame you too judge. You and your court rarely do what's in the best interest of the kids. But see how you ignore me when I ask that you consider his absence as the reason for my crime. Of course, your son can't focus in school. I'll learn to read and write after I figure out the problem my father has with me, and why he doesn't want me around. I guess truancy is in my future or maybe I'll just drop out. If I did stay and graduate my father wouldn't even attend the graduation to tell me, I made him proud. I guess I could understand if he had to spend his time working. Then again, I’d rather him be broke and in my life every day, instead of posting a check every now and then. Don’t even try to blame the shit on my momma; she had nothing to do with you and I. Same ole fuckin excuses. A real man would make it happen for his son against all odds. Anger and pain can only serve as fillers for what that cleft in your son's heart is made for.

Emotional Suffering

I don't know anything about myself. Except that, I've been abandoned. And since I don't know why I have no one else to blame but myself. My emotions run wild. I hate that about me. These episodes of my prejudice self, have started airing more often on my channel of life. The agitation of it all consumes my mind. My heart has settled in a state of despair. Dying is also an option since he shortened my life by a few years when he abandoned me anyway. Why shouldn't I give it all away now? I'm a man now, but I'm not even any good at it. I'm a slave to the stress of my daily struggles. I might lose my job because I can't even communicate with the man who decides if I'm good enough to be there. I guess you can say my boss intimidates me; he is sure of himself, and I'm not. His power over me is enough to make me quit on my own. I probably would fit in better on the streets, since that's where the soul of men left for dead, like me, tend to wander. Now that I think about it I don't even have the balls to do that. I've been pretty good at running and hiding so I'll just drown myself in an eight of weed and a fifth of Hennessy until I figure this shit out.

Self-Absorption

I can't even fathom the thought of us getting married. I'm cursed through my genetics. My father was a bad dude, he spit out his seed and left. He didn't even have the decency to clean up his own mess. I will probably just do the same shit to you. It is inherent, right? I can see us now, walking down the aisle to divorce court, where I gladly sign over my rights to you and the rights to my kid's chances of ever living with high self-esteem. I never really took the time to bond with my kids anyway, I don’t’ know how. I never had that bond, so where I was supposed to learn how to build it with them, Google? I never had a healthy relationship with you, so the kids never really had a chance. Fuck it; I'll just blame the shit on you anyway. You married me. I don't even know how to be a husband. I never saw one up close and personal. I learned how to treat my girlfriends from TV shows and movies, but I don't want to accept the risk of marriage and ruin your whole life. I do know that I love you at least that much. I'm unsure about the man I'm supposed to become. I don't even know who he is. So I strongly advise you to think long and hard about whether or not I'm the right man for you. Don't go into partnership with the reaper of your life’s joy.

Growing up fatherless sounds more like a public service issue. Some form of compensatory payment should be paid in an attempt to aid the abandoned souls. Instead of just labeling me as socially reckless to society. I've heard about the struggles of those who were fortunate to have their father's in their life. I can only imagine the issues that haunt the son of a dictator and that relationship. It’s a beautiful thing when a father cares enough to have a dream for his son. But a boy will always grow up to become his own man, and its the example that will influence him, not the opinion. A man wants to draw his own conclusion. You can only raise a son. The hero in him, if it's in him, will only rise from the depth of the foundation poured into him by his father. As long as fathers make a conscious effort to show sons how to be good men, the expectation doesn’t have to be stated. Son’s too, judge their fathers and take him for granted. But your father conceived you, so it’s the piece of his mind that makes you, you. The pride keeps us from admitting when our father is right. It’s not until we’re faced with the judgments from our own seeds that we finally put our pride aside and see clear. The roles of a father and son may even reverse one day. Great and wise leaders are usually willing to follow behind good leaders with enough potential. And if a father has earned his stripes he gets promoted to Grandfather.

We have to be adaptable - life is anything but perfect. Single mothers, keep your son's thoughts positive, surround him with good role models, it's not enough to just learn how to be a man, make sure they can teach him to be a good human being, and maintain his good character over everything. It's the hope he needs for life. Your son can still bypass the dangers of growing up to be a fatherless man. Don't put the focus and energy into him looking and acting like a man. The real value comes from placing emphasis on your son knowing the man that lives inside of him. The spirit of a young man’s motivation breathes in his courage and character. Resist instant pleasure and find the inspiration to struggle and sacrifice for moral efforts in life. Teach young men social skills, communication. Show him how to channel his energy and become a great competitor. Entertain life with love and laughter. Introduce him to life’s choice map; we all have two choices, we can either take the high road or the low one. Yes, the day will come that he wants to explore love and relationships, and it would have been nice to see it from his father, but as long as he is conditioned with a functional moral compass, God will do the rest. I didn’t have any telling’s from my father, but I'm so grateful for the teachings of my mother.

We all could use great role models in life. He can be an uncle, a teacher, a coach, a community leader, or a worker at McDonalds. His occupation shouldn't matter. A great role model is never defined by his occupation or the shallow, worldly shit we gravitate towards. It's his character that is the true definition of his soul. Society has shown that even the most powerful influences have been exposed as slaves to their demons and live flawed in their character and integrity. A role model sets the example for hard work, integrity, kindness, respect, humble, and he cares about more than just taking our single mother out on a date for his own gain. I used to think the scars I carry defined me – the black man growing up without a father, cursed never to experience a father-son bond. But now, I’ve realized I’m free to define my own destiny, even if I’ll never be free from my scars. I encourage young men to procure a father figure. Flesh is only a partition of our skin and bones, and blood is thicker than water. But it’s the pure heart of a man that bonds a father to his son. And thank God for the men who love another man’s child as he would his own. You’re the real MVP.